The ice block can be melted down

 I met this Dutch guy out of a vegan app. He seemed to be sharply ready to find me. But he has chosen not to. When our paths crossed, he took the way out. There is this that I could not avoid realising, though. Most of my life I left people before they could think about leaving me like my father did. I like to think I did it first. And when you get a broken heart, you might act in a similar way, you will try to break someone's heart before they break yours. I think this was the case. He struggled hard on that when generally I just need a sign and I am out, I was acting beyond my tolerance this time. Was not worthy. Those unconscious choices that we do, once put flat and straight in a rational perspective, they show how much time we may lose because of our fragilities and the fear to face and resolve them. Might be that most of us don’t realise, a part that realise and do nothing and there is this thin layer that is actually doing something, but then they struggle to find each other, for they are very few.                        

Why is that..

Sometimes when I wake up my heart aches when I think about him.

Love shouldn't hurt. 😔 

Blessed bleach

 Browsing cleaning products to clean my toilet, I found that a scented bleach brand simply has the smell of Juninho. Yes, my ex-best friend from Brazil smells like this bleach Alin. We used to hug a lot and that particular smell is the same of the bleach's. I was amazed. Such an unique smell found in such ordinary product!

Plant based soul

I have to admit that one of the most significant decisions I have taken years ago was to become vegan. 

Haunted by Cristicism

 Had I known that, given the level of criticism that I hold, I’d be faithed to enclose myself in my own island.

Once my cousin Eduardo warned me I was getting myself into an island and indeed he was right.

If an island was what was need to keep my values alive, so an island I built and would build again.

Life in Brazil is not as easy as one could imagine for it is surrounded in the our magnificent nature in it's rawest form, however, so are the humans there as well. Many who I would talk to and feel not understood. There is no good or bad here but what fits to what I needed. That didn’t.

Even though it seems life in Europe is more interesting for me, still way below my expectations. And after all what moves me forward and also makes me stuck in depressive thoughts is this high patter of criticism. Might have been the years writting down each and every thought of mine. Trying to elaborate on everything around and inside me, made me extremelly critic. So much that my mom calls me sometimes Critiquínia.

We, holders of a high criticims, have at hand the almost unbearable temptation on assuming we hold the truth just because we hold our perspective dear and close, and we don’t want to think this is a wrong one. But once we understand there is no wrong, nor right but the most profitable for every part, in terms of resources management, we are free from this hauting thoughts. 

On the weekends I listen to CBN radio because I do care about my roots, even though it did not provide me the best environment. With the previous stated argument, I can feed this love with no guilty.

Meeting Richard

 It was such a pleasure to meet Richard.

The days 05 and 07 of September were the days we met. If someone would stop me in Brazil, by the 2000's and say I would live in Europe, build and nurture a nice friendship with an German ex-colleague... and finally meet him, 3 years later, in person, in Ingelheim, Germany...  I would have laughed. Richard is just so peculiar in his essence, so sharp in his perspective. Pity that the time was against us and we could barely share some fraction of it. But it was worthy.

In the occasion I was in Boehringer Ingelheim for a business trip, with my colleagues, hosted in the IBB hotel. It was my first time meeting my company headquarters.

Over and over again

 It was last Tuesday 5.43am when I decided to part and depart into another approach. I had enough of Dave.

 And it was yesterday, 4 days later, when I decided to throw away the ring I idiotically worn as if I was his fiance, in order to avoid guys coming. Just in case. Nothing that he ever noticed or ever did any mention to it. The amount of rich details this guy missed from me is astonishing and without further due, I shall say, it is over for good.

    Not sure why I have accepted again the idea of being with someone. I had real master classes that men are not to be trusted. And as my intent has nothing to do with procreation, well, what are men for to me? I shall accept my destiny as an assexual being. Nothing wrong nor bad about that. In order to avoid suffering we shall just face reality. I don’t wanna ever be involved with anybody else.