Why is that..

Sometimes when I wake up my heart aches when I think about him.

Love shouldn't hurt. 😔 

Blessed bleach

 Browsing cleaning products to clean my toilet, I found that a scented bleach brand simply has the smell of Juninho. Yes, my ex-best friend from Brazil smells like this bleach Alin. We used to hug a lot and that particular smell is the same of the bleach's. I was amazed. Such an unique smell found in such ordinary product!

Plant based soul

I have to admit that one of the most significant decisions I have taken years ago was to become vegan. 

Haunted by Cristicism

 Had I known that, given the level of criticism that I hold, I’d be faithed to enclose myself in my own island.

Once my cousin Eduardo warned me I was getting myself into an island and indeed he was right.

If an island was what was need to keep my values alive, so an island I built and would build again.

Life in Brazil is not as easy as one could imagine for it is surrounded in the our magnificent nature in it's rawest form, however, so are the humans there as well. Many who I would talk to and feel not understood. There is no good or bad here but what fits to what I needed. That didn’t.

Even though it seems life in Europe is more interesting for me, still way below my expectations. And after all what moves me forward and also makes me stuck in depressive thoughts is this high patter of criticism. Might have been the years writting down each and every thought of mine. Trying to elaborate on everything around and inside me, made me extremelly critic. So much that my mom calls me sometimes Critiquínia.

We, holders of a high criticims, have at hand the almost unbearable temptation on assuming we hold the truth just because we hold our perspective dear and close, and we don’t want to think this is a wrong one. But once we understand there is no wrong, nor right but the most profitable for every part, in terms of resources management, we are free from this hauting thoughts. 

On the weekends I listen to CBN radio because I do care about my roots, even though it did not provide me the best environment. With the previous stated argument, I can feed this love with no guilty.

Meeting Richard

 It was such a pleasure to meet Richard.

The days 05 and 07 of September were the days we met. If someone would stop me in Brazil, by the 2000's and say I would live in Europe, build and nurture a nice friendship with an German ex-colleague... and finally meet him, 3 years later, in person, in Ingelheim, Germany...  I would have laughed. Richard is just so peculiar in his essence, so sharp in his perspective. Pity that the time was against us and we could barely share some fraction of it. But it was worthy.

In the occasion I was in Boehringer Ingelheim for a business trip, with my colleagues, hosted in the IBB hotel. It was my first time meeting my company headquarters.

Over and over again

 It was last Tuesday 5.43am when I decided to part and depart into another approach. I had enough of Dave.

 And it was yesterday, 4 days later, when I decided to throw away the ring I idiotically worn as if I was his fiance, in order to avoid guys coming. Just in case. Nothing that he ever noticed or ever did any mention to it. The amount of rich details this guy missed from me is astonishing and without further due, I shall say, it is over for good.

    Not sure why I have accepted again the idea of being with someone. I had real master classes that men are not to be trusted. And as my intent has nothing to do with procreation, well, what are men for to me? I shall accept my destiny as an assexual being. Nothing wrong nor bad about that. In order to avoid suffering we shall just face reality. I don’t wanna ever be involved with anybody else.

Stepping on the ground from time to time

 You were so unique to me. 

 Since I got myself trying to unveil all the mysterious reasons that tie me to you, meaning: trying to understand you as a whole being, I have got to the conclusion that you are just a typical guy from your typical zone. Behavior is basically the same. It is amusing how a set of people can share not just the same habits but also the same body language, behavior, way of thinking.

After so much travelling I find myself carrying a peculiar collection of values I gathered on the way. Alike jewelry, some need more polishing, some are useless at the current moment and some I am using. And you, you are the proof that we are the sum of the experiences we live where we live altogether with the genes we carry.  It's not that you are not unique, but not that special outstanding character I loved to think of you.

So far, this amazing rationale makes me get rid of the image I had of you, freeing me up from another castle I put myself in (will I ever grow tired of it?), from loving you, which is not you anymore. The you I love so much is not in you but in my dreams only, therefore I can let you that is not the you I want, go. What is left is just a cherischable friendship, for my friendly heart accepts anyone as they come, with no criteria. But my lover heart is a pain in the ass criterious, thanks to my oniric perspective I convinve my heart I fell for a hero, and it let me pass even though it constantly consults my brain if that is safe to invest. My heart knows it will be completely thrown to the beloved creature in the moment I fall in love. So, in despair it constantly asks my brain "is this really safe?", "not another pain, please". My brain always replies "given the amount of experience we both have, her instincts might be right now". Both always fail. Because I'm a dreamer, it's no one else's fault but mine.

Like the waves of the ocean

Are we suppposed to be together if we always break up?

Are we supposed to be apart if we always get back together?

Or are we supposed to come and go, like the waves of the ocean?

 

E lá se vai outro dia

 Sei que não devia, mas a vontade é grande. Sabe como é. Desbloqueei o bendito.  Ele nunca diz se está bem mesmo, sempre é aquele "I'm ok, thanks", há sempre aquela distância imposta pelo excesso de educação. E como já não estou mais incerta sobre o quanto ele me importa, pois que não fique mais distante, pelo menos. Que fique aí de qualquer jeito, mas que fique. Mas como sou boba, ainda procuro passagens pra Birmingham. Ai que raiva. Não vejo a hora de dizer "como é que eu fui me apaixonar por esse rapaz?" e dar aquela gargalhada.

Velhice quando vem pelo menos nos leva junto, a minha visão já não é mais a mesma, preciso dos óculos mais que nunca, esse ano piorou. Mas é até  bom não ver direito os sinais chocates do tempo. Eu não deixo a peteca cair, mas não tem como negar que a força da gravidade é cada vez mais evidente. E passamos a nos esquecer mais de tudo, afinal há muitas lembranças que dóem. 

Em menos de uma semana vou estar voltando ao Brasil pra festejar o aniversário de 70 anos de mainha. Fazia 5 anos não voltava. 

  

When beloved ones die

 Within time you realise you are going to "lose" beloved ones, in case you are not going before. Your mom will die someday. Your most beloved ones. There is a good and a bad side. The bad side is that you are gonna miss them. The good side is when they go when you are mature enough to go through their absence. And during your maturity you have noticed differente faces of your beloved ones, which you would never have if you were a kid. Some of these faces are not really nice. And then you also see that it would be selfish to wish that person to stay longer if they are not themselves anymore, just a scarce representation of what they used to be. All those factores may help us to move on. But the greatest moments shared are the most valuable ones, like the simplest moments. Those should be taken with us, that joy will lighten us up if not now, some other moment. 

I assume I have tendencies to be melancholy. 

Low self-esteem is dangerous

 One little detail that few realise is that low self-steem can destroy not only your relationship with yourself but with the others. Not believing in your own capabilities may converge one's goals to nothingness, in the best scenario. I believe that is what not really destroyed but actually prevented me and my ex from building a real relationship. He was not able to believe I completely loved him, most probably he can’t believe he is that lovely. Even though he is, and not a little! So much lovely that he doesn’t dare to think that much of himself. I thought that expressing to him much of my care and devotion would make his mind change about himself, but that was a theraphy for more than a decade, in the dosis my ego could allow me to provide, so my patience had a tragic end, at the end.

I may not be the best friend I could have found, sometimes, but I try to be, most of the times. Once Napoleon said something alike "want to know which is your best shoulder to rely on? your own!". That is so true to me. Not to support egocentristic thoughts, which is quite overpopulated on Earth, but that is a fact. Building a solid foundational relationship with our own can save us from uncountable troubles. It is also what is supporting me now, in the process of moving on my life, having to move over the life I had with such lovely person, my ex Dave. That is what literally saves me from drowning myself into eternal tears at night before sleeping or when I wake up. Before loving him, thanks goodness, I have been loving myself, and now, for the sake of habit of whatever, I keep doing. It feels good to know I will be there to hold myself, in case of danger. If there is someone we can count on, this one has to be our own, primarily. If it's not so, ones relying on you are in trouble.