E lá se vai outro dia

 Sei que não devia, mas a vontade é grande. Sabe como é. Desbloqueei o bendito.  Ele nunca diz se está bem mesmo, sempre é aquele "I'm ok, thanks", há sempre aquela distância imposta pelo excesso de educação. E como já não estou mais incerta sobre o quanto ele me importa, pois que não fique mais distante, pelo menos. Que fique aí de qualquer jeito, mas que fique. Mas como sou boba, ainda procuro passagens pra Birmingham. Ai que raiva. Não vejo a hora de dizer "como é que eu fui me apaixonar por esse rapaz?" e dar aquela gargalhada.

Velhice quando vem pelo menos nos leva junto, a minha visão já não é mais a mesma, preciso dos óculos mais que nunca, esse ano piorou. Mas é até  bom não ver direito os sinais chocates do tempo. Eu não deixo a peteca cair, mas não tem como negar que a força da gravidade é cada vez mais evidente. E passamos a nos esquecer mais de tudo, afinal há muitas lembranças que dóem. 

Em menos de uma semana vou estar voltando ao Brasil pra festejar o aniversário de 70 anos de mainha. Fazia 5 anos não voltava. 

  

When beloved ones die

 Within time you realise you are going to "lose" beloved ones, in case you are not going before. Your mom will die someday. Your most beloved ones. There is a good and a bad side. The bad side is that you are gonna miss them. The good side is when they go when you are mature enough to go through their absence. And during your maturity you have noticed differente faces of your beloved ones, which you would never have if you were a kid. Some of these faces are not really nice. And then you also see that it would be selfish to wish that person to stay longer if they are not themselves anymore, just a scarce representation of what they used to be. All those factores may help us to move on. But the greatest moments shared are the most valuable ones, like the simplest moments. Those should be taken with us, that joy will lighten us up if not now, some other moment. 

I assume I have tendencies to be melancholy. 

Low self-esteem is dangerous

 One little detail that few realise is that low self-steem can destroy not only your relationship with yourself but with the others. Not believing in your own capabilities may converge one's goals to nothingness, in the best scenario. I believe that is what not really destroyed but actually prevented me and my ex from building a real relationship. He was not able to believe I completely loved him, most probably he can’t believe he is that lovely. Even though he is, and not a little! So much lovely that he doesn’t dare to think that much of himself. I thought that expressing to him much of my care and devotion would make his mind change about himself, but that was a theraphy for more than a decade, in the dosis my ego could allow me to provide, so my patience had a tragic end, at the end.

I may not be the best friend I could have found, sometimes, but I try to be, most of the times. Once Napoleon said something alike "want to know which is your best shoulder to rely on? your own!". That is so true to me. Not to support egocentristic thoughts, which is quite overpopulated on Earth, but that is a fact. Building a solid foundational relationship with our own can save us from uncountable troubles. It is also what is supporting me now, in the process of moving on my life, having to move over the life I had with such lovely person, my ex Dave. That is what literally saves me from drowning myself into eternal tears at night before sleeping or when I wake up. Before loving him, thanks goodness, I have been loving myself, and now, for the sake of habit of whatever, I keep doing. It feels good to know I will be there to hold myself, in case of danger. If there is someone we can count on, this one has to be our own, primarily. If it's not so, ones relying on you are in trouble.